The GEMs in Your Memory Bank
We all have memories we treasure. Others may be ones we'd delete from our memory banks if given the choice! What we may not know, is that our memories – even traumatic ones – can create a positive treasure map that guides us through our career and other decisions in our adult lives.
How do we make our “memory bank” work in our favor? The first thing to know is that our earliest and most vivid memories create the most dominant conclusions about our place in the world (and they can be stubbornly resistant to change, but never impossible).
We just need to know how to process them. Dramatic experiences from early childhood – whether very positive or painful – turn into “rules to live by” in order to bring on more of the good stuff or to prevent the bad stuff from happening again.
The only problem is that a child’s interpretation of events is usually distorted and inaccurate to some degree. As real and true and significant as the conclusion feels, it usually has some “all-or-nothing” thinking that comes with it.
This can be a tremendous disservice to us in our adult lives and in our careers. It can create self-imposed limitations that may inhibit our growth and success.
I use an acronym, GEM, to teach people a little “do-it-yourself” psychotherapy.
Gather Essential Memories
Gain Enlightened Meanings
Generate Empowered Movement
If we learn to apply the GEMs in our lives, we will discover a treasure chest of personal growth and guidance toward our greatest strengths.
Christmas can sometimes serve as an interesting starter example. Think back to your earliest memory of Christmas (or other holiday celebrated in your family). Mine was when I was eight years old. My older sister and I were recruited to help wrap and put all the gifts under the tree for my three little sisters. It was very exciting, especially because they were getting a kids kitchen – with “some assembly required!”
After my younger sisters were all in bed, my mom, dad, older sister and I started working on the assembly of the little stove. It was the first time we had worked together as a team. In fact, it was the first time Dad got involved in the Christmas job at all, as usually Mom was Santa 100%.
In the midst of our work, one of my little sisters got out of bed and came toward the living room doorway. We heard her in the nick of time and we all kicked into high gear. My mother jumped up and blocked her view casually, while escorting her to the kitchen for her requested glass of water.
Dad quickly moved the little stove out of sight and my older sister and I covered as much as we could with our own little bodies. We were all intent on keeping the big gift a happy surprise for Christmas morning.
When anything unusual happens in our life, we tend to remember it more vividly. Think about an early Christmas or other memory of your own. What was the scene? What single frame of the scene stands out? What were your feelings at the time? What made it unusual? Was it something you wanted to create more of in the future, or try to prevent from ever happening again? What conclusions about your place in the world did you reach? What expectations did you form about how life “should” be?
In my example above, the single most vivid frame was of the team rising to the occasion of keeping my little sister from seeing the surprise gifts prematurely. My feelings were contentment, happiness, excitement and importance.
I loved being part of this team that had assembled for the greater good of our family Christmas. It was unusual that my assistance had been enlisted this way. Usually my older sister and I babysat together, but it was in our parents’ absence. This time we were all equals in the team and it seemed like a wonderful miracle.
Positive memories such as this can give us a great sense of what to strive for. In my example, one of my unconscious conclusions became “Everyone should work as a team of equals at ALL times.” The all-or-nothing part was the expectation it established for recreating a similar team for all tasks, all the time. The overall guideline was fine, but to impose the ‘always for everything’ part, would leave me disappointed in some of the education, career and family projects I tackled if I hadn’t amended it to a more realistic expectation.
Learning to revisit our memory banks in this way serves as a wonderful tool. It helps in removing unhelpful distorted conclusions that may have steered us poorly in certain adult decisions. That is step two in the GEM process – Gain Enlightened Meanings. We correct our rules going forward and that’s what frees us to engage in step three: Generate Empowered Movement.
Keep in mind, positive memories usually don’t create large obstacles, but they still may contain some all-or-nothing beliefs that turn into unrealistic goals. When memories are painful, the GEM process is still the same. We must discover what conclusions we reached from them and then correct the inaccuracies.
Common examples from a negative memory often include statements such as:
“I am not important.”
“I am inadequate.”
“I’m not valuable.”
“I’m not good.”
Then unwittingly we believe our erroneous conclusions and they become a roadmap for our choices. We take over where someone else left off. It is our responsibility to discover these inaccuracies in our self-perception and correct them. It takes much repetition to create new beliefs, but that’s where the positive changes become empowered.
For step 3 of GEM, then, we Generate Empowered Movement by creating corrected beliefs. In the previous examples, we implant:
I am important.
I am adequate.
I am valuable.
I am good.
Then add what we want to do to the remainder of the belief, for example:
I am important, so I will contact my work associates for the upcoming seminar.
I am adequate, so I will take part in the team project (or family event).
I am valuable, so I will voice my ideas in this meeting.
I am good, so I will feel proud and be active in my life.
Get in the habit of gathering your memories for this new purpose – enlightened meanings and empowered movement. They help you achieve your unique success and you can take these “memory bank” GEMs to the bank! More importantly, when you discover the treasure in your GEMs, the positive changes you make flow more easily and you treasure your life.
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Spring Into Action - Meet and Greet Your Money Rascals
Isn't spring an invigorating season? Every year it seems like many of us have budding experiences in this rejuvenating time of year. New elements of our being burst forth, just like the beautiful buds blossoming into their next life phase.
I especially remember one spring in 1983. I was at home with my 4-year old daughter and 2-year old son. I noticed my daughter, Katie, was particularly quiet so I peeked around the corner to see why. She was sitting about halfway up the steps holding one of her shoes. She was intently working on the little shoe strings, absolutely determined to tie a bow.
Despite her focus and great labor, the strings weren't cooperating. Persistently, she kept starting over, and over, and over. The birth of a bow surely had to come soon! I was amazed at her patience. But suddenly she'd had it. As she stood and sent the shoe hurling across the full length of the living room, she simultaneously screamed and began sobbing.
Something told me to stay out of sight, to wait and watch. Her crying peaked, then waned and stopped. She sat silently for a few more seconds. Then she arose and walked calmly over to the shoe and picked it up. With utter resolve she returned to the step and resumed her effort. Shortly thereafter, a beautiful bouncing bow was born! We celebrated with great joy.
This story is one of the miracles in my life. My daughter's feat was not heroic, but to me her perseverance was. For you see, that spring I felt dead. No buds, no blossoms. I was suddenly and unexpectedly single. As a teacher on an extended maternity leave, the jobs I sought were non-existent. Fear ruled my being. That is, until a little flying shoe was retrieved and pampered by its precious pitcher.
Hope poured into my soul. Seemingly endless amounts of courage and creativity burst forth like buds blossoming in a fast motion film. Metaphorically, my "untied shoe" was money. It was up to me alone to financially support my family, but I didn't know how. When I got discouraged, I thought of Katie picking up that shoe. I would pick myself up and learn how to tie my "money shoes" into a bow for stability and growth. I vowed to tie together the financial and emotional journey in healthy ways.
The origin of the money rascal personalities I developed later in my career goes back to this story. I love doing money personality seminars. No matter what you earn or how you feel about money, you'll discover some rejuvenating gems when you look at your money being through a new lens. You'll be ready to "spring into action" and you won't have to throw anything across the room!
NOTE: This article is published in the book Even Eagles Need a Push: the Power of Encouragement. To view the DVD and book, Click Here.